Bedroom Games
by Twilight 3-1
Summary: Rain, boredom, games, dirty talking...


"Are you going to move?" Margaret was becoming impatient.

"Don't rush me!" Hawkeye complained.

"Come on. Anyway you move…you're going to lose"

"I was about to go then! Now I've got to re-think it!"

Margaret rolled her eyes and stood up, slightly frustrated "You want a drink?"

"Yeah"

"Maybe by the time I get back you'll have made a move."

"What? There's scotch in your footlocker" he muttered, not really listening.

"You think I'm going to use a 15 year old bottle of scotch on you?"

"What else are we going to use it on?"

"We?" she asked him.

"MmmmHmmm…AH HA!" he finally made his move.

Margaret smirked "You were saying?"

"DAMN!"

"Checkmate."

Hawkeye was speechless. 4 games and he had taken 6 of her pieces. "How'd you do that?"

"What else is there to do on an army base?" Meaning she had become a pro over the years of moving.

"Beaten by a woman" Hawkeye muttered.

"Watch it…" she warned him.

Hawkeye groaned in annoyance "How many more days did they say it was gonna rain?"

"Same as you asked 3 minutes ago."

"And knowing the army it'll be in triplicate." Hawkeye lay back down on her bed.

"Another game?" she asked.

"Another game? Are you kidding me? With my luck?"

"Well what do you want to do?"

Hawkeye grinned at her. She knew what it meant.

Margaret groaned "Another game?" she repeated.

"Sex is a game"

"Sex is exhausting" she corrected him. "What are you trying to do? Beat the record?"

"We don't have much of one…" he muttered.

"I'd call 5 times in 6 hours a record."

Hawkeye grumbled.

"Poker? Go fish? Gin?"

"Handjob?" He asked her with pleading eyes.

"NO!"

"But Margaret…" Hawkeye whined.

"Why would I have to do something when you are quite capable of doing it all by yourself."

"You've turned into a real smartass you know that?"

"I learnt from the best."

"Stop changing the subject!" he exclaimed.

"Am not!"

"Are too! Why…don't you want to have sex with me or something?"

"Not at 2 in the afternoon."

"But why?"

"I have a headache, wounded might arrive, I'm on a winning streak, we've already had sex twice today…take your pic. Now deal Pierce."

Hawkeye mumbled something about 'convenience' "Changing the subject again." He repeated.

"Hawkeye…you have sex on the brain…they have a cure for that now."

"Castration?" he pondered out loud.

"Close…they take out the brain…but then again in your case that _would_ mean castration."

"Deal what?" he asked, ignoring her comment.

"Changing the subject again…" she mocked him.

"Poker?" he asked. "Bitch" he whispered.

"Fine" she agreed. "Bastard" she whispered.

"We need a hobby!" Hawkeye said out of the blue.

"We have a hobby"

"One that headaches and the beginning of the month aren't an excuse not to do."

"Or impotence" Margaret muttered.

"That was a very stressful time you know!"

"Yeah sure" she mocked before muttering "Only took 3 blowjobs to get over it."

"Would you just shut up and play?"

"If it makes you feel uncomfortable _doctor_ Pierce…2 cards."

"It's a big blow to the male ago I'll have you know."

Margaret sniggered and shook her head "Sex on the brain."

"What? GAH! I didn't mean it like that! Trust you to take it out of context."

Margaret was gobsmacked "Fuck you!"

"I'm serious! Show us what you got…"

She looked down her robe "Two pairs"

"MARGARET!" Hawkeye yelled.

Margaret fell back as she laughed at him.

Hawkeye gritted his teeth "If either you don't shut up or let me pound into you…I'll be forced to do something I haven't done since"

"Last Tuesday. Don't look so surprised…I can tell whether you've jerked off or not."

"How then?"

"Smell"

"You say that about everything in the Swamp"

"I never said it was in the Swamp." She smirked at him.

"Would you care to tell me what you have…or are you going to be a smarmy bitch about it?"

"Two pairs!"

"Margaret!"

"Look, queens and nines"

"Oh" Hawkeye put his foot in it.

"Yeah…OH. Well?" she asked, referring to his cards.

Hawkeye sat up straighter "nine, ten, jack, queen…four." Margaret laughed at him. "It's not that funny really."

"Yes it is!" she continued to laugh harder.

"I swear it's not funny."

Margaret calmed down "You know owe me…" she paused to think "2 full body massages and an orgasm."

"Since when don't you get the latter?"

"It's that or I get to blow you in the mess tent…at lunchtime."

"For Chrissake Houlihan…if you don't shut it…I'm gonna blow, quite literally."

"Not my problem" she sang at him.

"Who came up with this method of payment?"

At the same time the pair said "Trapper."

"Hey, he was your best friend!" she protested.

"You screwed him!"

"So did you!"

"That's not the point…"

"There's a point to this?"

"Sidney could probably find one."

"You know out of the three of us, he had the filthiest mind"

"Sidney?"

Margaret rolled her eyes and hit him "TRAPPER!"

"Oh yeah! True…"

"This just isn't any fun with only two people."

"Yeah…but who could we ask?"

"BJ?" Margaret asked.

Hawkeye started laughing. "I don't think he'd appreciate our method of payment."

"Oh I don't know…he could be interested."

"BJ Hunnicutt? Mr family man himself?"

"Everyone's got an Achilles heel Hawk. Deal."

"With his big feet…a heel and a half."

"Then again not every male's a sex maniac like you and Trapper…"

Hawkeye laughed again. "Three cards"

"Yeah you're right…there's more to it than sex."

"…There's rambling sex acts afterwards"

"…And quickies behind Post Op."

"…And nearly getting caught."

"THAT was your fault. If you hadn't slammed against the **tin** wall!"

"WHAT!" He was not going to let her pin this one in him. "Well if you hadn't BITTEN me…"

"If you could stay still for a few minutes…"

"Do you know how hard it is to get blown and not scream…let alone stay still. Oh that's right…you do, so you can't talk!"

"Well?" she asked him, ignoring what he said.

"AH HA! Three of a kind!"

"Straight flush…read 'em and weep!"

"SHIT! Okay what's the damage?"

"Best four out of five…2 massages and an orgasm…comes to…"

"I wish you wouldn't say that" he told her.

"Whipped Cream."

Hawkeye groaned in despair.

"Shouldn't be har…difficult to find."

"You know I hate that kinky crap!"

"And you know I love it, plus you owe me"

"Yeah yeah…whipped cream, chocolate sauce…whatever."

"Oooh good idea…and chocolate sauce too!"

Hawkeye grumbled.

"I don't see what you hate about it so much…"

"That fucking whip for one thing. Do you know how difficult it is, explaining why there are fucking welts on your back to your bunkmates?"

"No…"

"EXTREMELY diff…hard."

"Awww poor baby!" Margaret had little sympathy for him "Anyway…you loved it."

"I did not…that _really_ stung!"

Margaret rolled her eyes "It's supposed to."

"For three days?"

"You're new at it that's all. What did you tell them?"

"Tell them who what?"

"About the welts…"

"The truth. That my domineering girlfriend gets off whipping me in the back."

Margaret laughed at him. Not that she was too pleased he said what they were from…but his embarrassment at telling them and his now bright red face. "Wh…what did they say?"

"Exactly what you did…they all laughed."

"All?" Margaret questioned him.

"BJ, Charles and whoever they told. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole camp knew you were into kinky shit."

Margaret began to laugh even harder "So that's why people have been purposely slapping you on the back."

"Could we please change the subject?" he asked her.

"Wanna have sex?" Margaret asked him.

"WHAT! ARGH! Not anymore! Why couldn't you have said that 5 minutes ago?"

"I like to see you suffer."

Hawkeye mumbled something incoherent

"Another round?" she asked as she shuffled.

"I get to choose payment this time."

"Fine, you know the rules?" she really enjoyed pissing him off.

"Yes I know the rules!" he exclaimed, exasperated. "Trapper was a great teacher."

"Oh yeah!" she agreed.

He sighed, "I really miss him."

"Me too Hawk." She put her hand over his and squeezed it. "Read his latest letter?"

"Last week. Lou still hadn't had the baby."

"Still hopes for a boy he told you too?"

"MmmmHmmm. Hey I've been thinking…"

"No I will not blow you in the office."

"Not that. Do you think there is anyone over here like us?" he asked her.

"Hawkeye…there is NO ONE like us!"

"You know what I mean!"

"Anything's possible. Though I highly doubt it."

"Why wouldn't there be?"

"I have never heard of any nurse who knows more male underwear brands than their colleagues first names aside from me."

"You know male underwear brands?"

"That's not the point. All I'm saying is that I'm one of they guys."

"Except at sex."

"…Except as sex," she repeated him.

"I couldn't imagine you in a dress, cooking and ironing."

"My mother quit the army and played house. I _never_ want to. Show us."

"DAMN IT!" he cursed upon seeing he had lost, yet again. "Have you cursed me or something?"

Margaret laughed at him. "Yes and in a week you will come down with syphilous." She continued to laugh.

"Sleeping around?" he questioned her.

"Certainly not! No one else around here is a pushover like you."

"Thanks…really."

"If it makes you feel any better…no one else around here is quite a good time in bed like you either."

"Oh you've made comparisons have you?"

"What? No!"

It was Hawkeye's turn to laugh at her now.

"So what do you owe me?"

"Anything?"

"MmmmHmmm…within the rules that is."

Hawkeye grinned.

"What are you up to?"

"You know the one thing you asked from Trapper and I, that we never did because well…you're sick?"

"I thought you said last week I was a horny little fuck?"

"Whatever!"

Margaret began thinking. "Nope, nope…" she started grinning "DEFINITELY no!"

"What's that?"

"The show you two did in the swamp."

"Oh that!" Hawkeye smiled.

"Is it the same thing you two asked me and I never did?"

"Uh huh. And a real shame you didn't…Trapper would have loved the viewing!"

"So you're saying I get to watch you jerk off?"

"Good enough payment?"

"It'll do." She smirked. Hawkeye was correct both times: she WAS sick…and she WAS a horny little fuck.

"ACK! I quit. Sick you of beating me!"

"No more poker? How about a puzzle?"

"Is it dirty?" he asked.

"For who, you or me?"

"I don't care…I'm easy."

"THAT'S for sure!"

"HEY! I could say the same for you!"

"But you didn't."

"Bitch" he muttered. "So what is it of?"

"New York…I believe."

"Does the empire state with King Kong and Faye Ray count as dirty?"

"If you're a hairy guy who likes dwarfs…"

Hawkeye started to laugh.

"What? I'm serious!"

"That's what scares me most about you."

"So not the whips then? Nah…I don't want to do a puzzle."

"Okay, how about something that doesn't involve hands…"

"Mouth? Oooh this could get interesting!"

Hawkeye glared at her "I spy?"

"Okay…you first."

He grinned evilly at her. "I spy with my little eye…something that starts with 'N'"

"Net?"

"No"

"Nose?"

"No"

"Nail"

"No"

"Nabel"

"What?"

Margaret pointed to the picture of her as a kid with a horse "Nabel…the horse?"

"Oh yeah! No"

"Notebook?"

"No"

"Navel?"

"Close, very close…"

Margaret thought over the clues. "Navel…close…not nose…"

"Think it's very cold"

"Huh?"

"Female-cold"

"I still don't get what you mean…"

Hawkeye sighed "Aroused? Look at your tits for Chrissake!"

"OH! Nipple."

"YES!"

Margaret laughed "Sex on the brain…"

"Hypocrite" he muttered.

"I never said I didn't have sex on the brain now did I?"

"True…your turn."

"I spy with my little…shut up…eye, something that starts with…A"

"A?"

"MmmmHmmm"

"A light?"

Margaret gave him a moronic look.

"Okay okay…apple"

"You see an apple anywhere?"

"No…but you might?"

"Come on…"

"Almonds"

"What?"

"I bought you almonds when I was in Seoul last week."

"We ate them remember." She reminded him.

"Oh yeah! A…A…where the hell is there anything beginning with A?"

"Give up?"

"No. Now knowing you it's something dirty…uhhh…anatomy?"

"Very good!" she exclaimed "No."

"Is it dirty?"

"Depends what way you take it."

"A…A…Ass!"

"No, unfortunately you're lying down. I can't see it."

"But you know it's there!"

"The game's called I 'spy' not I 'speculate'."

"It was a long shot…"

"Give up?"

"YES!"

"A tale of two cities."

"What!"

Margaret picked up a book off her footlocker "Charles lent it to me."

"How'd you expect me to get that?"

"If you'd stop trying to see through my robe…then maybe you'd have seen it. Another round?"

"No…I hate I spy anyway."

"Another round of Poker?"

"No" he sulked.

"Chess?"

"No…something you won't beat me at."

"How many times a person can jerk off in an hour?"

Hawkeye gave her a filthy look

"You asked…"

He grumbled in response.

Margaret decided to change the subject.

"You want something to eat?"

"What have you got?"

"Uhhh…" she rumbled around in her footlocker, careful not to give Hawkeye a view of anything "Olives, cheese, crackers, some canned meat or something…I think it's deer."

"How the hell did you get all that?"

"From Charles."

"CHARLES? How? He's even more stingy than Frank was!"

"Easy…I gave him a handjob"

"WHAT!" Hawkeye was both disgusted and freaked out…as everybody with an ounce of sanity would be.

"Do you know he has the tiniest…" she began.

"Continue and I'm gonna be sick."

"I was only joking! They were the wrong brand or something. All I gave him was 10 dollars for the lot."

Hawkeye shook his head

"You seriously think I'd give out sexual favours to get what I want?"

"As you said…anything's possible." He mocked her.

Margaret looked ready to kill.

"Come on, I'm only kidding, I know you wouldn't."

"You want something to eat or not?"

"Not right now. You want to play something else…something you CAN'T beat me at?" he hoped to change the mood a little…she didn't seem to appreciate his last comment.

"Sure…what do you have in mind?"

"Favourites. Kinda like truth or dare…but without the dare bit."

"Favourites? Sounds stupid."

"Come on, just go with it!"

"Alright, alright!"

"Did I mention extra points for smuttiness?"

"Oooh okay then!"

Hawkeye thought up a question. "What's your favourite part of the female anatomy?"

"Female?" she questioned him.

"If you're into 2 guys at once, you must have fantasised about women!"

"Of course!"

"So?"

"Breasts"

"Really?"

"Yeah…what's not to like? Round, firm, gentle to touch."

"How would you know?"

"April 20th 1940. Dad was stationed in San Francisco. Abby O'Callahan – biggest chest in 11th grade. We skipped…geography and she ended up making me come in the girls bathroom."

He smiled "Really?"

"Best headjob I've EVER had."

Hawkeye looked shocked and frowned.

"She knew where to put her tongue!"

"And I don't?"

"If it makes you feel any better, Trapper was just as bad."

"I can't believe this! You're not going to turn gay on me are you?"

"If I ever did decide to try it again, it wouldn't be just her."

Hawkeye brightened up "You couldn't leave me even if you wanted to?"

"Lets just say…you're very well endowed Hawk."

"Why thank you…want to take my dowry out for a spin?"

Margaret rolled her eyes "No, this is much more fun. Okay your turn."

"That's easy" and at the same time the pair said "Legs."

"Kim Il Sung knows you're a leg man!"

"Can I help it?"

"No…you're a lost cause!"

"Thanks a lot!"

"Okay my turn, switch sides, how about male anatomy?"

"Shoulders"

"You're kidding?"

"No! Thick muscles, what's not to love?"

"You've only felt Trapper's…not all men are built like him."

"Just like not all women have big chests. Now you…oh God do I even need to ask? It couldn't be anything but…"

"Ass"

Hawkeye threw up his hands "Exactly my point! It was either that or dick…"

"No" the pair were getting into a medical discussion…of some sort. "…Because the ass is always similar, dick can be too small or too large."

"How can it be too large? I though size mattered to you lot?"

"It hurts like hell!"

Hawkeye changed the topic to something not medical "Okay okay, what's the thing you hate most about this place?"

Margaret thought for a bit "Food…definitely the food. Rats I sleep with anyway."

"Thanks a lot!"

"Dysentery and disease can be fixed…usually."

"Yeah…"

"Wounded…" Margaret stopped before she went off into a frenzy. Start her on about wounded and she'd end up marching to take Macarthur and Truman hostage. "Taste however cannot be disguised…ketchup can only do so much."

"True…as for me…Salt Peter."

Margaret laughed

"I'm serious! It's a real bastard of a drug…causes shrinkage."

Margaret laughs even harder, nearly falling off the bed.

"I kid you not!"

"No wonder it stops you from wanting sex…you wouldn't want women to know you have a small…" she couldn't finish her sentence.

"I don't like this game anymore!"

"You…you started it."

"So? Doesn't mean I like it!"

"What do you want to do then?"

"You."

"No sex! I told you already!"

"Why not? 10 minutes ago you were all for it!"

"It doesn't affect you like it does me."

"Bullshit! I can hear you coming a mile away."

"Not that!"

"Then what? I don't get what you're saying."

"Twice Today…"

"It was three times actually."

"Three times in a very small space of time can be _very_ painful."

"You haven't stopped having sex since you were 14! What gives?"

"It still hurts…"

"You want me to check you out?"

Margaret glared at him

"I'm serious, there could be something wrong!"

"The only thing wrong is the amount of sex…"

"And that's a bad thing?"

"Of course not! What I mean is seven nights a week, three and a half weeks a month can be _very_ tiring."

"Too much?"

"Maybe…but I'm not complaining."

"I am…all I know is I'm getting a serious case of blue balls here."

Margaret looked at his lap "Yeah…you do seem a little…stiff?"

"Not funny Margaret."

"What? I didn't mean anything by it!"

"The fuck you didn't" he muttered.

Margaret stuck her tongue out at him.

"Well then have some sympathy!"

"For an oversexed doctor with a dick harder than concrete? HA!"

"You care you the preservation of human life?"

"Of course…"

"Then for fuck's sake BLOW ME!"

"Go blow yourself!"

"Anatomically impossible." Hawkeye stated.

"Done experiments?"

"No…that and the fact I have the flexibility of a 40 year old."

Margaret laughed at him before standing up.

"Where are you going?"

"Outside."

"What for? It's pissing down out there!"

"To have a shower"

Hawkeye looked at her strangely before saying, "I'll go too."

"Yeah…the cold water could do you good."

"Hypocrite" he muttered.

"You coming?" she asked him.

"Unfortunately no."

"Play your cards right, you might get lucky!"

"With my luck today?"

"Who knows? Anything's possible!"

"Is that a hint of things to come?"

"Depends on how good of a fuck you are!"

Hawkeye was no longer surprised at what came out of her mouth…or went in it for that matter.

"Outside?"

"MmmmHmmm…"

"At 3 in the afternoon?"

"You game?"

"Are you kidding me? I'll take ANYTHING!"

"Let's just hope BJ doesn't catch us again…"

"That too!"

"Bring the scotch!" she shouted before opening the door.

Hawkeye shook his head "Women!"

"I heard that!" she yelled back at him before they disappeared out into the rain, and took the bedroom games, outside.


End file.
